Ok, so here's an update of my life thus far...

FUCKERY!
I'm incredibly stressed out, in a lot of pain, lonely, annoyed and jonesing. Now i guess i will go into further detail.

Stressed out.
Taking 4 classes this semester all of which of some huge paper or presentation or both due. All while trying to take care of an almost 6 month old and trying to get an effing job. I know I have help, and that takes some of the stress. But even my help is limited. Star (I LOVE YOU POOKIE) has a life... she's got school, work, and a new almost-boyfriend. She helps when she can, which is alot, and especially considering Kurt isn't hers lol. But the point is she's not there all the time. And my mother.. oh lordy let's not get into Debbie. I love her, I do, but sometimes I fucking swear. She's not all the patient, which she's admitted, so i really feel sketchy about leaving Kurt w/ her sometimes. And just.. well she's got work and of course her darling Jeehovah's Witness meetings... and just... I mean I don't need someone there all the time, but it just sucks cause when i need help is usually late at night or early in the morning (which, btw, is a great public announcement for not having kids until your married) cause well i need sleep too and then Kurt hasn't been sleeping all that well lately so that's why i need the help in the morning.. cause me plus little to no sleep at 5 in the morning... not normally a pretty site. And my effing father really is of no help. He tries, sometimes if ever, but eh i could never really rely on him much anyways.

Lot of pain
I got into a car wreck on oct 24. Some woman was making a left turn, where she should've yielded the right of way to me who was going straight, didn't see me and pulled out in front of me and I ended up T-boning her. So now my shoulder is all sorts of fucked up, although it's not fractured or broken it's apparently just muscular *rolls eyes*. And all of this bullshit is aggravating my old back injury (YAY to getting bucked off a horse)... so ugh

Lonely
I don't know if I ever fully went into the John drama, so here i go ahaha. Alright so me and this guy, John, had this on and off bullshit of a relationship for years. We stopped talking for a while and then all of the sudden we start hanging out again. Well that was right after my druggie years and he helped me through quite a lot actually. Apparently I helped him work through some shit too. But yeah so I started falling in love with the guy. (BTW unrequited love.. so NOT fun.) well I'm pretty damn good at hiding my emotions, so i did. Pretended to be one of the guys/ fuck buddy. All was well, that i could deal with. Then the Michael saga peaked and ended. John really helped me through the aftermath. We resumed our previous affair. All was well. Then around the time I gave birth to Kurt I had decided that I was going to let John go. That he would probably be better off without me, and try this whole if you love something set it free thing. All was well. Fast forward a month to June 16, 2009. All was well, and seemingly getting better. John had told me that night, on a drive to drop him off at his house at like 11 at night, that he was still in love with me, that he loved everything about me, my problems and all, that i was the one for him, that he could see himself marrying me, he wouldn't mind being a father to Kurt, and a bunch of really sweet stuff that every girl longs to here, the catch... he wasn't ready for a serious relationship at that moment. All was well, cause at the time I wasn't either. For two months my world was absolutely perfect. I had a beautiful son, great friends, great family and a man that loved me and wasn't scared by my problems. During this two months we had a hung out a bunch. With my friends and with my brother. And in front of complete strangers to him he had admitted to everyone (everyone being his best friend my two best friends and two of my other friends) that he wished Kurt was his. He kept telling me he loved me... and it was great. Perfect, right? Right, it was. It was everything I wanted and more. Then around, I'm gonna say August, things began to change. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong, I kept having bad dreams... and then one day I found out that all those dreams I was having.. the truth. John had found a girlfriend, that wasn't me. What pisses me off about that is he had said he wanted to get his life straight before he had a gf. See, he says it wasn't serious, but the thing is you put a label on it, that's serious to me. Sex, pretty much is just a casual thing to me. So he coulda banged her brains out and while i woulda been insecure and probably a lil' hurt i coulda dealt with it. But no, homeboy has to go and put a label on it. Now he's got yet another gf. Oh yeah, i forgot this lil' part of the story. I had told him I never wanted to talk to him, and stuck to that for about a month. Cause a month after I told him that I get a call that he'd gotten stabbed and almost died. And that put things in perspective for me I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all (cause that's what he said when i confronted him w/ the gf thing, that we could still be friends). So while that's pathetic I'm still clinging to that. I keep trying and he keeps pushing me away. The real tragic thing of this is that, well, it's probably my fault. i probably pushed him away, i tend to do that sort of thing, or did something wrong. I thought I was trying but hell... That's my place in the world. Always the friend, never the girlfriend. I've accepted this. Anyways. So lately I've really been feeling "Yesterday" by the Beatles. And, goes without saying, some Breaking Benjamin. Their newest CD Dear Agony = my life. and just everyone else around me is pairing up, being happy... and i can't for the life of me understand why in the hell i can't have that. Oh wait, i know... i've already said it. Always the friend never the gf.

Annoyed
There's this guy sitting next to me in the library and he keeps turning his moniter like a give a flying fuck what he's doing

Jonesing
Self-Explainatory. There's no such thing as an ex-addict. There's a reason for the cliche saying "Recovery is a life-long journey"






Well, I guess I ended up pouring my heart out more than i meant to. Oh well, whatever. If you've made it here then congrats! you've put up with my rambling and you obviously care about others, give yourself a big pat on the back!


Fast I fade away i'm cold and broken,
~Lisa


P.S.~ Star and I got our Repo tats.. the first installation of our toxic twinsness. They're awesome. It says Chase the Morning Yield for nothing with a sun and a syringe. WOOHOO US!!! and I've got two songs in the works so... hopefully some other new stuff soon from me!